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Dear Josh,

Put bottomward the knife. You’re aloof 14 years old.

A few account ago, you were on the couch arena video amateur with your best friend, and it was the aboriginal time in weeks you absolutely acquainted happy.

After he left, however, you’re abandoned afresh and those account alpha to return. You admiration if anyone would affliction if you were gone, if you would feel relieved, if it ability be the best affair activity advanced for your accompany and ancestors if you aloof did it: die by suicide.

You’re abashed about starting aerial school. You’re abashed about applicable in and award new friends. You admiration if they’ll allocution about how awkward you are in amusing settings. You anguish that anybody will watch you in the hallways. You alpha to anguish about actuality worried.

With all those thoughts active through your head, you columnist the kitchen knife to your chest and admiration if the new few account will be painless.

It’s a aerial aperture that you are falling into, Josh.

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You’ll activate aerial academy in a few weeks, and you’ll abstain parties. Mom and Dad will anticipate you’re not accepting out of the abode enough, and acquaint you “staying at home abandoned on a Friday night isn’t the barometer for addition your age.”

They’ll advance you see a advocate to advice with your amusing all-overs and depression. Agreeing to go will save your life, but I apperceive you won’t assurance up for counselling, yet. You’ll be abashed of the stigma, you’ll be abashed that if addition finds out that they’ll anticipate you’re crazy.

One night, Mom will beating on your aperture in tears and say, “I appetite Blessed Josh back.” Those bristles words will eat abroad at you. Seeing Mom in tears will accomplish you amend counselling.

At the aforementioned time, you’ll use active as an escape. You’ll accompany the bounded active club, and apprehend you’re not bisected bad. Aback you’re active you apprentice to balloon about your worries and about-face your focus. You alpha to adulation accusation your anatomy to the limits.

Eventually, afterwards months and months of abandoned nights, you appetite addition to advice lift the boulders of all-overs and abasement off your shoulders. You alpha counselling in the bounce of Grade 11.

It will change your life.

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Your advocate will alarm her own battles with amusing anxiety, and you’ll feel that barrier amid accommodating and doctor disappear.

At the end of Grade 12, you’ll appointment the University of Victoria. Two canicule later, the arch drillmaster will action you a atom on the active team, not on a scholarship, but an befalling to attempt and train. You’ll alarm Dad in tears of joy, and you’ll acknowledge aural an hour.

There will be six added runners in your recruiting chic that year, and you won’t accomplish the Varsity team, but don’t let it accompany you down.

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In the summer afore your green season, you alternation like you’ve never accomplished before. You accomplishment third on the active aggregation at Nationals, you become a Canada West All-Star, you authorize to represent aggregation British Columbia.

You anticipate activity can’t get abundant bigger than that. You’ll appetite to benumb that moment of captivation that All-Star certificate, and admire it forever.

Two weeks later, activity gets alike better.

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You biking to Ontario for the Canadian Cross Country Nationals with Aggregation BC, and accomplishment seventh in the Inferior Men’s race. Bodies alpha to attending at you as a abeyant aristocratic inferior agent in the country.

Now, you alpha to think, activity doesn’t get any sweeter than this.

Josh. On that even ride aback home, those thoughts will return.

Amid your success during the season, you’ll see the end of your aboriginal affectionate relationship, one of your high-school accompany will die by suicide and your aunt will be diagnosed with cancer.

Instead of acceptable in your blemish season, you’ll alpha to abatement aback into a depression. You’ll acknowledgment to counselling, and anticipate you’re a failure. Once calm clue division rolls around, your performances alpha to suffer. Active starts to become banal – addition antecedent of affliction and sadness, instead of an escape.

There will be one chase in Seattle area you anticipate you’ve rekindled that fire. You’ll be on clip to drove your claimed best in the 3,000 metres by 10 seconds, aback addition accomplish on your heel causing you to abatement face aboriginal in the track. You’ll lie there in complete shock for a few moments, and afresh get up.

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Just like you consistently will, you get up from adversity. You accomplishment the race, but you’re furious. You appetite to abdicate running. You bandy a armchair on the infield of the track, your teammates alpha to abstain you and those fears of bodies anticipation you in the hallways of aerial academy alpha to resurface.

You booty a few canicule off active and alpha to absence it. You absence the air whizzing by your ears, the crunching complete of admixture below your feet, and the escape from activity it offers.

You alpha to alternation for the summer season. This time you bake that fire. You authorize for Aggregation BC again, bethink those dreams of authoritative aloof one team? Well, today, you accept three Aggregation BC singlets blind up on your walls.

I would adulation to acquaint you it’s “happily consistently after” from there, but aloof aback you anticipate activity is brightening up again, you accept added adverse news.

Your parents breach up. Dad will move out. Mom will booty the house. You alpha to accusation yourself. There will be a lot of hawkeye and bawling nights.

But you get aback up, aloof like you did in Seattle. You’ll alpha talking to your parents afresh – boring – you accept to them, you understand. You will apprentice to never booty annihilation for granted, because at any time, article or addition could be taken from you.

So, Josh. Put bottomward that knife.

I apperceive you’re afraid now. But you’ll get aback up.

Josh Kozelj lives in Victoria.

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