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This archetype originally appears in my book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum

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The Rauschmonstrum was a bedfellow on Dick Cavett’s affairs The Dick Cavett Actualization in December of 1973. He discussed his new job as a professor, his hopes for a Jesus & Me movie, and his disapproval of bodies who adoration him. Woody Allen additionally stops by.

Cavett: Our aboriginal bedfellow this black is one of a kind. He is the columnist of the archetypal books Jesus & Me and The Old Testament & Me, and has afresh taken up abode actuality in New York area he’s spending the division teaching courses in physics, chemistry, and history at Columbia University. He additionally lectures about the country which can’t be too adamantine because he doesn’t charge a plane. He aloof floats about everywhere.  [The admirers laughs]  Cavett: There’s a lot of added absorbing things he’s up to which I achievement to altercate with him. Please acceptable The Rauschmonstrum!   [The admirers applauds as the Rauschmonstrum floats out]  Cavett: Mr. Rausch, acceptable to see you. Best guests sit in chairs on the show, but you can aloof float over one.   Rausch: I can change shapes, you know.  Cavett: Yes, I’ve apprehend all about that in your books.   Rausch: Aback I like your actualization so much, I’ll accomplish myself added acceptable for your setup.  [The Rauschmonstrum takes the anatomy of a skinny, animal shaped adaptation of himself, cutting a cape and captivation a cigarette holder. The army applauds at his new appearance, and Cavett gives a abashed look. The Rauschmonstrum sits in one of the bedfellow chairs]  Cavett: Able-bodied Mr. Rausch, you’re now calmly the best dressed actuality to anytime footfall bottom in this studio.  Rausch: Charmed to apprehend that.  [The Rauschmonstrum takes a breath from the cigarette in his holder]

Cavett: Now for a animal like yourself, do you get any furnishings from nicotine?  Rausch: No, it’s all for show, but I like it aloof the same.   Cavett: It’s absolutely acceptable of you.  Rausch: Yes, but it would be capricious of me if I didn’t use the breach to say ‘kids, don’t smoke, it’s abhorrent for you.’

Cavett: We’re not activity to see any accurate analysis in the advancing years adage cigarettes are absolutely acceptable for us, are we?

Rausch: No, you’re not.   Cavett: Is there any added bloom admonition you could accord us, because all your knowledge?   Rausch: Amoroso is abundant worse for you than fat. Companies that advertise amoroso articles are aggravating to awning that up.  Cavett: Hmmm, those companies annual for bisected of our sponsors, so…  [The admirers laughs]  Cavett: We’ll apparently be canceled by the end of the week. In all calmness admitting Mr. Rausch, there’s a lot I’d like to altercate with you.   Rausch: Is there? I anticipation you aloof capital to lounge and maybe comedy a little cribbage.   Cavett: You’re a lot added antic than I bethink seeing you in added interviews.  Rausch: Able-bodied a funny affair happened to me on my way over actuality today, I accomplished I’m accepting the time of my life.   Cavett: Ah, so this is the best allotment of your two-thousand-year life?

Rausch: I’m earlier than that.  Cavett: That’s right, you are. Remind us all how old you are.  Rausch: I don’t accept a absolute number, but I’ve been about at atomic as continued as bodies accept been around, so I’m a little bit earlier than 100,000 years, I’d say.   Cavett: I’m blame forty and I’m accepting a hard-enough time apperception actuality that age.

Rausch: Child’s play.   [The admirers laughs]  Cavett: So how’s you end up accepting your teaching job?

Rausch: I absitively teaching would be a admired use of my time, so I went to the Columbia University administrator and told him what I capital to do.

Cavett: As simple as that?  Rausch: Yes Dick. As you can imagine, I apperceive a lot of things.   Cavett: I achievement so. I’d abhorrence to anticipate you were absolutely abandoned headed afterwards all your experiences.  Rausch: The administrator was absolutely blessed to accept me, and I ample it was advantageous for me to allotment some of that ability with the youth.   Cavett: And you’re teaching a assorted accumulation of capacity too.  Rausch: Able-bodied history is what I apperceive best because I’ve lived it.  Cavett: You’re amenable for a lot of it.   Rausch: I’m amenable for a lot of it, yes. And hopefully I can clue my acceptance in on some things that accept advanced been misunderstood.   Cavett: And what about physics and chemistry?   Rausch: Over the years I’ve had to acquisition agency to absorb my time aback I wasn’t bribery about with humanity. I best those capacity up on the side.

Cavett: Are you adequate New York?

Rausch: Of course. The burghal never sleeps, which apparel me able-bodied aback I don’t either.

Cavett: I don’t apperceive if you apperceive this, but New York Burghal has a lot of acceptable restaurants. You should analysis some of them out.

[The admirers laughs]

Rausch: I’ll booty that advice.   Cavett: And do you apprehend this will be a abiding career for you?  Rausch: Able-bodied Dick, I like to booty things as they come. So as for how continued I’ll be a professor? I don’t know. Hollywood keeps calling. One of these canicule I may acknowledgment them.  Cavett: That’s right, the studios are in a behest war for the rights to do a Jesus & Me movie, aren’t they?

Rausch: They abiding are.

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[The admirers applauds]  Cavett: Let’s allocution a bit about that. Jesus & Me is the bestselling book of the 20th century, so I can accept if there’s anytime gonna be addition Gone with the Wind in agreement of money made, it’ll be a Jesus & Me movie.  Rausch: My adventure is a bit added arguable than Gone with the Wind.   Cavett: That’s true. But I would anticipate that agency the box appointment money fabricated for your cine would be alike higher. Are you in agreement with all the above studios as we speak?   Rausch: Yes, but I’m captivation out for added money from anniversary of them. Paramount will accelerate me an offer, again Universal will accelerate me an offer, again MGM, and so on and so on. Already everyone’s accustomed me an action I go aback to the alpha of the band and the offers get bigger and bigger. It’s like a merry-go-round.   [The admirers laughs]  Cavett: You know, I’ve had a lot of guests actuality from Hollywood and none of them accept anytime been about as honest about how the agreement action goes than you aloof were.  Rausch: I’m able to explain it this way because I accept annihilation to lose. I don’t eat, I don’t charge to alive anywhere, so I don’t charge any money.  Cavett: You are a affluent man though, aren’t you? I achievement I don’t abash you too abundant with that question.   Rausch: I am abnormally wealthy.   Cavett: And you do accept houses, don’t you? Alike admitting you don’t charge them? I heard you accept a abode in Bel Air abutting to Jerry Lewis.   Rausch: Guilty. I said I don’t charge to alive anywhere, not that I don’t appetite to. It’s abundant to own houses and to allure accompany over for festivities.   Cavett: I agree. Do you apprehend your negotiations for Jesus & Me to be accomplished soon?   Rausch: We’ll see. It depends on the calligraphy and the casting they present me with.  Cavett: Who would you like to see comedy you in a movie?   Rausch: Orson Welles.  [There’s amusement from the audience]  Cavett: He’s got the able articulation bare for article like that.  Rausch: Indeed.   Cavett: And who would you like to see comedy Jesus?   Rausch: Warren Beatty. He’s got the appropriate hair. We’d accept to do this cine anon for him to be in the appropriate age ambit though.   Cavett: Would it be too cool a advancement for Jack Nicholson to do it?  [The admirers laughs]  Rausch: He may be added acceptable arena Judas.  Cavett: Now that’d be a cast.   Rausch: All options are on the table though. That’s the baroque affair about actuality in a behest war.   Cavett: Did I apprehend accurately you’re additionally currently alive with Assistant Marshall McLuhan now on some media advancements?  Rausch: I am. And I’m abiding aback we accomplishment our projects, they will shock the apple and abundantly advance the accepted of living. However, I can’t allege any added about it at this time, added than to say that we’re alive with a abstruse ability on it, a adolescent adolescent called William Gates. He’ll be a actual acclaimed persona in the advancing years, I assure you. He’s spent added time acquirements about computers than anyone else.   Cavett: Exciting stuff. There’s one added affair I’d like to allocution to you about afore we allure out our abutting guest. There are religious groups out there now which adoration you. I spotted some of them continuing on a artery bend casual out flyers on my way over here. Do you accept annihilation to say about that?

Rausch: Able-bodied I knew aback in the ‘50’s aback I aboriginal appear Jesus & Me that my belief could end up actuality acclimated to actualize religions in themselves, decidedly if Christianity began to decline, which it has. Plus, I am a abnormal amount with an alien origin, I accept why abounding could abash me to be divine. What I will say admitting is a lot of the groups I see beginning up assume to accept the ambition of announcement absolute behavior in people, and there’s annihilation amiss with that on its own.  Cavett: Similar to the blazon of affair bodies would go to abbey for.  Rausch: Aback I went on William Buckley’s Firing Band affairs a brace of years ago, he told me he believed it was in humanity’s DNA to adoration a college power. I don’t anticipate that’s true, but bodies do accept a able drive to be a allotment of a group, and absolutely the “fan clubs” these bodies set up for me tap into that.  Cavett: Right.  Rausch: The added affair I appetite to say about that is some of these added groups based about my name assume to be nihilistic, and aloof appetite to activity up chaos. I acerb blame of those accurate groups.

Cavett: That’s acceptable to hear.

Rausch: I authority that any amusing accumulation should be effective and strive to accommodate account for people.

Cavett: As do I. At this point I’d like to allure our additional bedfellow out. He is a acclaimed comedian, actor, writer, and director. He has appeared on this affairs abounding times before, and has a new cine debuting this ages advantaged Sleeper. Please acceptable Woody Allen!

[Woody Allen enters the room. He after-effects to the army and makes his way over to the Rauschmonstrum and Cavett. He all-overs both of their easily and sits down]

Cavett: Woody, acceptable to see you.

Woody: Acceptable to see you too Dick, and it’s additionally abundant to be in the aforementioned allowance with His Royal Rauschness over here.

Cavett: Accept you two met before?

Woody: No, but already I abounding a address the Rauschmonstrum gave.

Rausch: On what subject?

Woody: The Romans and Stoic philosophy.

Rausch: Oh yes, so I would accept discussed Marcus Aurelius that day then?

Woody: Yes, I spent the address demography notes, but again ditched them afterwards spotting an adorable albino woman in the audience.

[The admirers laughs]

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Cavett: Of advance you did.

Woody: As I was cat-and-mouse about backstage aggravating actual adamantine not to bang into any walls or get arrested for sedition, I anticipation of a catechism to ask you Mr. Rausch.

Rausch: Go appropriate ahead.

Woody: Aback you accept so abundant ascendancy over all the elements, why don’t you put all of us into slavery?

Rausch: …Because I adopt not to.

[The admirers laughs]

Woody: That’s good. I doubtable bullwork would not be acceptable of me. Manual activity wears me out quickly.

Cavett: Is that right?

Woody: It is. But Mr. Rausch, if you did adjudge to accomplish us all slaves, I’d be able-bodied ill-fitted addition out the assorted roles for added disciplinarian to play, affectionate of like an bent adjustment slave. That’s what I’d be acceptable at.

Rausch: I’ll accumulate that in mind.

Woody: Please do.

Cavett: Do you like the Rauschmonstrum’s books, Woody?

Woody: Um, afore I acknowledgment that question, I’d like the Rauschmonstrum’s chat that he will not bang me asleep if he doesn’t like my answer.

Rausch: You accept my word.

Woody: You use too abounding commas.

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[The admirers laughs]

Rausch: I’ll bethink you said that aback I adapt my abutting book.

Woody: Good, good. Thousands of glasses-wearing men will acknowledge you.

Cavett: Do you accept any added pieces of admonition for Rauschmonstrum, Woody?

Woody: Stick to happier accountable matter. The Bible actuality can be a bit morbid.

[The admirers laughs]

Rausch: I’m abashed best of my adventures account autograph about tend to be morbid.

Woody: Ooh, able-bodied in that case you ability appetite to get some added sun, Vitamin D absence can account black moods.

[The admirers laughs]

Rausch: Perhaps I’ll booty your advice.

Cavett: With that said, we accept to go to a bartering break. We’ll be appropriate aback with the Rauschmonstrum and Woody Allen. Please stick with us.

[The admirers applauds]

More Rauschmonstrum themed actuality can be begin at Rauschmonstrum.com

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