Until two canicule ago, I had no abstraction able cuddlers existed. Starting pay is $80 an hour. Less 15 percent that goes aback to the internet allowance abode that arranges the cuddle-ups. Still. That’s $68 an hour. Or $544 a day. Or $2,720 a week. Or $11,785.76 a month, take-home.
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I am acutely in the amiss band of work, which is what I’m told daily.
Cuddlers acquire their own websites. The better iscuddlecomfort.com. There, you can assurance up to be a able cuddler or access the casework of one.
I know. You’re asking: “So what’s the aberration amid a able cuddler and one of those evil-smelling annoying ladies with the acutely voice, 12-inch heels and faux bobcat bark mini-skirts whom you never see in church?”
The accent on the website seems vague. There’s actually no kissing. Unless you both appetite to. There’s no petting. Unless you both appetite to. There’s no sex. Unless you both appetite to. There’s no, “When are you activity to get your big, fat daybed drip abaft off that recliner and booty out the trash!?!?!?”
Unless she wants you to.
The armpit warns about affecting in the “bathing clothing areas.”
You mean, like — at the country club?
Most of the women with whom I “cuddled” were from the 19th century. Bathing apparel continued from chin(s) to toes. What the hell’s larboard to caress? I’d be bound to acclamation my applicant acclaim on the adenoids and going, “Whooooaaa, girl…” while alms an angel allotment on an ample palm.
Cripes. I’m abiding in the Blue States, there are places you can arrangement to blemish such an itch.
One needs abilities to be a cuddler of the pro ilk. For one thing, they require: “You are accepting of all races, ages, genders and animal orientations.”
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Cuddle a guy?
On a couch?
On Plymouth Rock? At centermost ice? Aboard an aircraft carrier?
Look at me.
And I will never blow the Swiss. Men. Women. Their Shetland ponies. They all aroma of bananas and talcum powder.
I couldn’t bundle admission Abode Speaker Nancy Pelosi. I would acquire agitation audition her safe words: “Can’t… Breathe… You’re… Choking… Me… … gurgle…”
There’s a acceptable safe word. “Gurgle.”
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Caressing is allowed. To a point. Unless you both accede otherwise.
CUDDLE-EE: “Don’t blow me there. I don’t like you that way.”
CUDDLER: “Sorry. I was aloof aggravating to assumption your weight.”
Are there accomplishments checks? Psychological questions advised to ambush you?
TELL US ABOUT YOU: “In the Steinbeck book, ‘Of Mice and Men,’ back the adorable but mentally deranged Lenny accidentally afraid the puppy, did you: A) acknowledge with abhorrence and sadness; B) beam while afraid profusely; C) stand, acclaim and yell: ‘That dog had no right!’”
Cuddling. Could I sit through “Mama Mia!” and “Mama Mia 2!” alike at $68,000 an hour? It says on the website that I get to be my own boss. If that’s true, why the hell are we watching “Mama Mia!”?
Would the cuddling industry acquire me, or would I be penalized for my aphotic faculty of humor?
CUDDLE-EE: “I feel so safe back you authority me. Yet, you accept so distant. What do you see back you attending into my eyes like that?”
ME: “I see a cutting red lightning bolts. I apprehend opera. It’s the singing of aphotic angels, with black, burst wings, unbearable, damning, demanding. I see liquid, again, all red, thick. A affiliation into the cosmos. A draining.”
CUDDLE-EE: “OK, accomplished then.” (Reaches for her iPad and goes to the website.) “I’m activity to acquire to accord you a ‘2’ on your assurance ranking.”
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ME: “Say ‘gurgle.’ Say ‘gurgle like you beggarly it.”
CUDDLE-EE: “OK, fine. Let’s aloof change that ‘2’ to a ‘1’ then…”
The onsite “Cuddler Contract” is interesting. Like the “we accept no liability” abnegation on an assemble-yourself grizzly buck trap. Both cuddler and cuddle-ee charge accede to battery (privately) aural 12 hours of the appointment. Which leaves out the Swiss. There’s a assurance clause. It stipulates that the cuddler has the appropriate to backpack one (1) non-lethal aegis weapon. Aloof one? That would leave out me assuming up with both a brand and a Viking shield. I know. Cuddling is about trust. How can you assurance addition who hugs with an 8th-century Norse weapon?
You acquire their trust.
Heavens. Cuddling for money can’t be that bad. It’s got to be cleaner than government assignment or accessible relations.
Before we go, do, please, absolve me. I’ve corrective a negative, worst-case book of able cuddling. Surely it’s mostly platonic. People charge animal contact, alike at $80 an hour. It’s not like it has to led to added things.
Like — marriage.
Which will amount you $85 an hour. And the remote…
John Boston is a bounded biographer and cuddles mentally, but alone to paid Signal subscribers.
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