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Time for your account copy of the Deadspin Funbag. Got article on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re accoutrement accidental fans, racist neighbors, old porn, and more.

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Your letters:

Kyle:

I’m academic in MLB/baseball history, there accept been pitchers who accept been abundant hitters (Babe Ruth comes to mind), but in modern-day baseball, do you anticipate we will anytime see a bullpen who hits like .270-.300 consistently and isn’t a abiding out? I apperceive afresh there’s been like Jason Marquis, Mike Hampton, and alike Carlos Zambrano who accept been accepted to beating one out of the park, but never hit for average.

According to this study, there are a brace of guys like Zach Greinke who accept managed to hover about .200, but they’re few and far between. Casting at the pro akin is so abundant and requires such all-encompassing training that teams are altogether accomplished to abalienate outs at the nine-spot because of it. I admiration if architecture up acceptable hitting anatomy and bits actively works adjoin the anatomy pitchers charge for throwing the ball. Like, you can alternation to become a .300 hitter, but afresh you get too heavy, and your fastball goes to bits or something. And maybe casting affairs don’t alternation for hitting as abundant these canicule because they apperceive they accept a 50/50 attempt of never accepting to bat. I bet they all PRAY for an American League team. I bet American League GMs are like, “Remember, you don’t accept to bat with us!” to every accessible draftee and chargeless agent.

With the accessible barring of free-throw cutting for assertive players in the NBA, I can’t anticipate of any added bearings in sports area a amateur is asked to do article that it so far from his accomplishment set. It’s like banishment your quarterback to be the kicker. (NOTE: I am not adjoin this.) I’m all for athletes awkward themselves, but it’s a absolute anticlimax with the bases loaded and two outs aback you apprehend the brainless bullpen is advancing up to bat. You’ll never see baseball teams acquiesce their pitchers to become DISTRACTED by alive on not actuality abhorrent hitters. They’ll consistently blot at it.

Jeremy:

Every time a above golf championship is in the news, sportswriters and radio guys can’t assume to allocution about annihilation added than Tiger Woods and how golf needs him to accompany in the “casual fan.” Who is this allegorical person? Golf is such a slow, usually arid action to watch that the bodies who watch it absolutely adore watching it, behindhand of whether Tiger is in it. It’s not like my girlfriend, who has never best up a club in her life, is gonna tune in. Can we all aloof accept that this “casual fan” is aloof some babble absurd actuality who cannot possibly abide except to accord guys like Colin Cowherd a acumen to allocution about Tiger alike aback he’s absolutely irrelevant?

The best accessible archetype of a real-life accidental fan is your mom. Your mom is the candied atom for every TV exec and webmaster and car salesman out there. If your mom has heard about something, that agency the accomplished goddamn apple knows about it. And if your mom—who is consistently put aloft with banquet arrange and advantageous bills and assorted garden-club duties—can accomplish time to sit bottomward and watch the ninth inning of the Apple Series, afresh abounding added bodies will additionally accomplish time for it. Golf wants your mom, man. Golf wants to accompany her in and rub her amateur and abduct her with advanced animadversion shots of appealing agriculture about the course. AZALEAS. Your mom is crucial. I’ve formed in advertising, and the key catechism the applicant consistently asks is, “Hey, will this asshole’s mom buy this for him?” I’ve accounting books, and the key catechism publishers consistently ask is, “Hey, will some asshole’s mom apprehend this book? And can you additional some change for us?” Aggregate is marketed to get your mother’s approval and/or awareness.

I accept said this before, but there are affluence of bodies out there who are absorbed in sports but don’t accept the time or the affection to chase them wire-to-wire every season. I am now one of those people. With the barring of football, I usually tune into added sports alone aback I can be a GLORY BOY and dive in at the best affecting time. Like with golf. I’m about absolutely never gonna watch golf on Thursday afresh for the blow of my life. I got assignment and kids and all that abhorrent shit. But I appropriately watched the aftermost three holes of the PGA on Sunday, because I had time, and the leaderboard was tight, and there were abounding affecting clouds. I jumped appropriate in and rode that allegation out.

As activity goes on, you can calmly bench yourself from diehard to “mom fan” cachet afterwards abundant effort. It’s not a acceptable feeling. I am abundant shittier sports fan than I was 20 years ago. Aback then, I could accept gotten into a “Is Jerry Rice the almsman of Joe Montana, or is Joe Montana the almsman of Jerry Rice?” altercation with you and absolutely accustomed it my all. I would accept CARED. Now I could accord the zero-est of fucks, and I am beneath of a man because of it. I had such hotter takes aback in the day. Twenty years from now, I’m gonna argument my kid, “How about that LeBron Jr.?” and my son will cycle his eyes in irritation. It’s gonna happen. I can’t stop it.

Annoying old swing-voter-types are the accidental admirers that TV advisers want, the bodies who booty the action from the sports folio and advance it up to the advanced page, area the wars and presidents are. I accept no abstraction why TV bodies appetite those fans. Those admirers aloof bead the action the additional the ball goes away. But those are the bodies they are aiming for.

David:

I comedy for a almost acceptable American football aggregation in Scotland. We’re not in the top division, we’re one away. Our players are the agnate of maybe a appropriate aerial academy team, except we’re developed men. One or two Div II academy types charge our mix, but annihilation great. What I appetite to apperceive is, if Adrian Peterson came over and played a analysis for us, what happens? I brainstorm he’d be successful, but how successful? Surely 11 developed men could overpower him, acceptation we’d accept to await on added aspects of our breach to win?

Here we are in white and red:

You would go undefeated. At your akin of play, a active aback is arguably the best important amateur in the field. If you’ve anytime apparent low-level aerial academy football (normal aerial academy football, not the crazy pro-type bits that 10,000-student Cali aerial schools play), you apperceive that a aggregation with a kick-ass active aback can exhausted the SHIT out of added teams. All the QB does is duke off. The freakshow active back/returner does the rest. The lower the akin of football, the added appulse an alone amateur can have. So if Peterson abutting your team, you would be able to CRUSHSLAY the competition. You allegedly wouldn’t alike accept to block. I apperceive the Vikings don’t.

When I was a chief in aerial school, we had a absolutely acceptable active back, and I was wayyyyy too appreciative of accepting him for a teammate. Like, he would account a touchdown, and I would about-face to the army while I was benumbed the amusement and be like OH YEAH, THAT WAS OUR GUY. Like I somehow adapted acclaim for actuality in the accepted about of the kid who was alert as fast as anybody abroad on the field. I additionally went to football camp, and one of the added band was committed to Syracuse. And aback I got back, I told EVERYONE. I was like, “Yeah, I went to football camp. Kid from there is activity to Syracuse.” Which is stupid! I wasn’t activity to Syracuse. Syracuse isn’t alike acceptable at football.

But that’s how it works at the lower levels of football. The best players are consistently bigger than the approved players, and so they arm-twist an blasphemous bulk of awe and wonder, and bandy benchwarmers like me into hysterics.

David:

Does the actuality that I’m a fan of Penn State and the Washington Redskins, in and of itself, accomplish me a bad person? Don’t apperceive if this is relevant, but I’ve been a fan of both aback I was old abundant to watch sports. So, about 25 years.

Nah, that’s fine. I absolutely feel bad for some Penn State fans. You didn’t assurance up to be a Penn Stater alive that your academy would go bottomward as a bedlam bin of child-molestation truthing. You aloof admired Kyle Brady or something.

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And there are a few accept ‘Skins admirers out there. A FEW. You gotta attending hard.

Chris:

My cable provider is accomplishing a chargeless examination of Cinemax this weekend, and I see that they are assuming an Emmanuelle soft-core flick in the boilerplate of Saturday night. This accurate cine was allegedly fabricated in 2014. Allegedly the French bits out eight of these per year. Is the Emmanuelle #brand absolutely that strong? Should I be sending this email to Rovell?

The alone actuality who is activity to attending to Cinemax for porn these canicule is addition old abundant to bethink the aboriginal time Emmanuelle was on Cinemax, so it makes faculty to agitate out as abounding of those movies for accidental soft-core porn admirers as possible. I apperceive aback I anticipate of Emmanuelle, I anticipate aback to my Golden Canicule of Masturbation, aback soft-core porn was banned and exciting, and masturbation was a absurd new claimed discovery, afore it became a angrily blueprint exercise that now excites me about as abundant as award a new cast of mouthwash on the angishore shelf. Passion Fruit Listerine? I’M IN.

I grew up watching old porn like Emmanuelle and Happy Housewives and Inhibition and Candy Stripe Nurses, and those movies still ascendancy a affectionate of attraction over me. It’s like annihilation abroad you adulation aback you’re young: You adulation it added and you bethink it better. So if I anytime stumbled aloft a aftereffect to one of those movies in the TV listings, I would TOTALLY analysis it out, alone to be aghast by the sequel’s autograph and artistic administration and broken-down CGI assignment and the actualization of banana accessory Jar Jar Bonks. It would drove my childhood.

Jodey:

How would you rank altered types of golf clubs in agreement of the affliction of actuality bludgeoned to afterlife with one?

I would put the doodle in the No. 1 slot. I played mini golf with my kids awhile back: Absolution a adolescent apply a continued metal doodle for 20 account is a bad idea, but that alone dawns on you already you’ve paid your money and best your clubs out. It’s a absolutely close 20-minute annular of golf afterwards that. They beat those clubs about like fucking Conan the Barbarian.

Cameron:

What is the boilerplate cardinal of times you accept to set a abounding debris bag bottomward on the arena to ensure it doesn’t topple over?

Three. Sometimes you get advantageous and get a bag that has a babyish pizza box at the bottom, or some added article that can serve as a base. But mostly, it’s craven basic and adulation wrappers.

I gotta booty out the debris every day, and it is a debilitating process. The bag never aloof lifts out of the can. It’s like aggravating to cull a arena off of a aggrandized corpse. I’m so annoyed from abstraction the bag out of the can that I accept to abeyance at my doorstep and blow the best afore carrying it all the way to the alfresco can. And aback I set the bag down, it consistently topples over or it is already aperture ketchup from an concealed aperture in the bottom.

When I lived in New York, the architecture had a debris chute. Debris chutes ability be the alone acceptable affair larboard about active in New York. I would pay at atomic four dollars for a debris channel now. You advance that bag in the chute, apprehend it crash, and your assignment is done. Area did the debris go? Did the bag explode? DONNNNNN’T CARRRRRRRRE.

HALFTIME!

Alexander:

If you anchored in one of those abiding airport parking lots with acreage aloft acreage of cars in them and you went bottomward in a crash, how continued would it booty for the parking ascendancy to apprehension and do article about your car? Is there some poor soul’s 1993 Chrysler LeBaron still sitting in the JFK parking lot from TWA flight 800?

At Dulles airport, any agent larboard for best than 45 canicule is declared alone and afresh towed away. So if your absolute admired ones didn’t go to affirmation it, your car will be taken to the batter eventually. Parking-lot admiral adulation any alibi to tow a car away—unpaid meter, anchored in a aloof spot, you were NOT a chump of Bob’s Carpet Emporium, etc. Your adverse afterlife is all they charge to bright out your poor Chevy Nova.

Miles:

Would it be worse to be castrated, or be deafened and blind?

Deaf and blind. Close your eyes and awning your aerial and airing about for 60 seconds. Sucks, right? It’s able-bodied account sacrificing your testicles to not be entombed in that cone of black for the blow of your days.

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What affectionate of bold with the ladies are you gonna accept if you’re deafened and dark anyway? You can ask to “see” your date by affecting her face, and that’s absolute candied the aboriginal time you do it. But afterwards the 60th time, she’s aloof gonna be angry. STOP TOUCHING MY FACE, MILES. I like actuality able to see and hear. It’s advantageous to me. Booty my assurance if necessary. I’m allegedly a bigger actuality afterwards them.

Richard:

How would you amount the afterward aspects of accepting kids, in agreement of how abundant affronted acerbity they administer aloft parents:

* Adulterated sippy cups that arise to be advised to aperture

* Seat/chair straps that will not clasp, abnormally in abundant rain

* Award that they pooped as you are sitting them bottomward for banquet

* Award joy aback they eat article for the aboriginal time, affairs a metric ton, and their absolute abnegation to eat it at the abutting meal

* Aqueous baptize in the tub

Splashing baptize is my No. 1 worst. I can’t anticipate of one affair that is added agreeable and infuriating amid two animal beings alone 10 years apart.

I can handle a bit of tub splashing. You accept to let the kid live. I alone get pissed aback the kid takes a cup of baptize and aloof depression it appropriate out of the tub (happens a lot), or the kid scoots aback and alternating in the tub, creating a beachcomber basin and afresh calamity the bath attic aback that beachcomber spills over (rarer, but consistently worse).

I abhorrence aggregate abroad on your account much, abundant more. Here is how I would rank them.

5. Tub splashing.

4. Adulterated sippy cups. They ALL leak. Milk aloof gushes appropriate out of them. I’d be bigger off confined milk in a adulterated canoe. Afresh the milk leaks on the kid, and they aloof cry, all the time. They don’t blot it up and go acquisition a napkin. They aloof piss and moan.

3. Pooping afore dinner. They additionally account appropriate afterwards you’ve larboard the abode and you gotta change them in the shotgun bench and adjure no account gets on the windshield. Or they account appropriate afterwards you put the brief childhood on them. Brainless baby. Don’t you apperceive those things amount 30 cents a pop? These kids all time their poops horribly.

2. Abnegation to eat article they admired aloof a day ago. I’ve abstruse my assignment about this affectionate of thing. Getting accouchement to eat abundantly is fucking abhorrent … arguably the affliction allotment of parenting. My wife has cried MANY TIMES over our abortion to get the kids to eat like accustomed animal beings. But alike we apperceive that you can’t annihilate a bowl by confined it 50 times in a row. You gotta appearance abstemiousness and delay a few canicule afore confined it again, because allegedly accouchement are aloof like distinct women who appetite you to alarm but don’t appetite you STALKING them.

1. The car-seat thing. I absolutely had a bench recalled because the catch was so adamantine to buckle. I accept gotten my son’s penis bent in the catch MORE THAN ONCE because a five-point car-seat catch is amid anon on top of the bend and makes for accessible genital-mashing. Car seats are evil, abhorrent things and I abhorrence them in every accessible way. One time I was advancing home from a flight with the kids and I had to re-install the car bench as they waited on the curb, and the affair wouldn’t latch, and I was so affronted I aloof howled. Like a fucking dog. With bodies watching. I howled and afresh kicked the car in a fit of rage. Car seats do this to you.

Julie:

I accept been arguing with my sister about which characterization is added offensive: “weird” or “odd.” So far, I accept gotten about a 50/50 breach aback allurement added friends, but would like an acknowledgment to end the accomplished brainless altercation afore I see her in two weeks. I alone feel that “odd” is abundant added offensive. It comes beyond as the way addition that abounding finishing academy would accredit to anyone who does not fit into their area of normal-ness. If some ablution told me I was odd, I would acknowledge with a throat punch. Aback people-watching, I appetite to see weirdos, not odd-os.

I anticipate calling addition “weird” is a added anathema observation. Oddballs accept the abeyant to be endearing. You’re basically one footfall abroad from actuality quirky. “He’s a bit odd. He brand accession Hummel figurines. But he’s a abundant guy!” You can accept one odd affection and be an contrarily accustomed animal being. But I tend to anticipate of awe-inspiring bodies as bodies who arouse a accepted air of ache and creepiness. That guy sleeps all day and makes sculptures out of old toenails at night. What a fucking weirdo.

By the way, that’s one of the annoying things about movies and TV shows. Every aberrant actuality in a cine is portrayed as alluring nevertheless. That’s not accurate in absolute life. In absolute life, that absurd acquaintance of castigation is aloof a fucking freakshow and should be kept abroad from your accouchement at all costs.

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Eli:

Vests accept never fabricated faculty to me. Thoughts?

I acclimated to accept a belong to abrasion in the abatement and spring. It lets your pits breathe, which is nice aback it’s aerial appropriate about 58 degrees outside. Plus I got to pretend I was Marty McFly, which is all I’ve anytime wanted.

Also, a belong shows off the GUNZ. Don’t let anyone acquaint you otherwise: bodies who abrasion vests are bodies who appetite to be warm, but aloof can’t angle the abstraction of absolution their able accoutrements go unexposed. If I awning my arms, I lose my all of my superpowers.

In general, I am never the absolute temperature, ever. If I go alfresco in anything, I am either too hot or too cold. One day they will accomplish a abounding anatomy Hazmat clothing that keeps you a absolute 69 degrees at all times, and I will buy it and abrasion it, looks be damned.

Eric:

I don’t apperceive what I’m accomplishing on the internet. I’m a two- or three-website guy. I don’t apperceive what bodies do aback they go online. Hundreds of millions of websites, and I appointment three regularly. Am I dumb?

Nah, you’re not dumb. There are a actor things to eat in this world, and yet abounding bodies opt to eat pizza or burgers for the zillionth time. You accept your abundance websites, and that’s area you go. Makes absolute sense. If you broadened your choices, you’d be larboard bedridden with doubt. I had to buy a laptop aftermost month, and the choices are so all-inclusive that you can end up accepting a afraid breakdown allocation it all out. Eventually, you aloof accept to choose, and the abundance of authoritative a best is bigger than sitting there day afterwards day poring over CNet reviews and shit. This new laptop could be missing eight keys and I’d still accumulate it, aloof because I’m animated the alternative action is over.

Email of the week!

Jonathan:

My ancestors confused to Scandinavia from the States for assignment a few years ago, and we are clearing in nicely. The alone botheration is that it’s a little catchy award new accompany for me and my wife. A new ancestors confused in beforehand this year, and we anticipation all of our problems were solved. The dad brand bubbler beers and watching sports, and our kids are the aforementioned age and best friends. It’s been a blast.

Aftermost night, we had a late-night messenger, addition affable neighbor, acquaint us that this new acquaintance is absolutely the arch of a white abolitionist / anti-immigrant accumulation in Scandinavia. TOTAL BUMMER. Evidently his alarming tattoos of age-old Norse gods and Finnish lions are not absolutely as innocent as I anticipation they were.

Obviously I’m not activity to accumulate agreeable him over for burgers, beers, and talks about Viking history, but how should I handle the accord with our kids? It’s not their accountability that Daddy is a hater. The kids accept a abundant time together, but I don’t appetite my son actuality indoctrinated into neo-Nazi-spewing hatred, and I haven’t progressed to the racism assignment in my Rosetta Stone yet.

Any advice?

That is so archetypal of Scandinavia. You move there cerebration it’s some affectionate of Nordic paradise with nice albino bodies confined locally artificial peat moss and herring on slabs of blubbery aureate bread. Abutting affair you know, you apprehend anybody is either a white supremacist, a biographer who specializes in abduction scenes, or an absolute rapist. THAT LAND HIDES MANY LIES.

Anyway, my admonition would be to accumulate things affable but distant. That’s the able WASP move. You don’t accurate absolute disapproval; you artlessly accumulate things apparent and try your best to accumulate things pleasant. And afresh your new acquaintance wonders why you’ve cut him off, afresh boring realizes you are one of the SHEEPLE, and afresh he plots your death. Standard Swedish burghal conflict.

But accumulate the kids friendly. I’d accelerate my kid to Charles Manson’s abode for a playdate if it bought me a brace of hours.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s additionally a contributor for GQ. Chase him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can additionally adjustment Drew’s book, Addition Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.

Photo by Getty.

The Concourse is Deadspin’s home for culture/food/whatever coverage. Chase us on Twitter:@DSconcourse.

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