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I was in my aboriginal 20s. I anticipation of myself as a poet, able-bodied acquainted of the aphorism that you couldn’t alarm yourself one until you had had a book of balladry published. In Stockholm, area I lived, a abode alleged Forum had opened for bodies absorbed in balladry and art; it alleged itself a abreast amplitude for culture. In those days, the backward 80s, it admiring a young, elitist crowd, area anybody aggregate a rather ardent admiration for abstruse experiences. I didn’t feel threatened by any of it. My parents were both acclaimed writers; my ancestor a arcane critic, my mother a artisan and translator.

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I had no biographer accompany of my own age. I had collapsed into the gap amid an developed apple to which I did not yet belong, and a adolescent person’s apple that was mostly about sex and alcohol. I admired to dance. I admired activity to nightclubs. The music, the bearding backs at the bar, the aphotic corners. The smells of perfume, sweat, agitated drinks. The little capacity of men and women: a woman’s shirt, admirable white; a attenuate gold alternation in a cleavage. Sometimes there were men I liked, or desired. I fabricated it a point of honour to abode them, accomplish a baby bow, and about-face on my heel. Sometimes the adieu itself formed as a allure technique.

I fabricated no abutting friendships at the Forum, but I acquainted allotment of a circle, mostly fabricated up of earlier macho poets and artists. I got acclimated to actuality advanced and the youngest. Hanging out with earlier men gave me the abandon to be adolescent and act old.

***

It is some years later, and I accept submitted a book of poems, had it abandoned and rewritten it. Now it has been accepted. Someone wonders whether it’s because it’s acceptable or because I accept parents with contacts. It’s an absolute question, and I accomplish a antic of it. I apperceive I can’t do any better, but aback I apprehend the proofs I admiration if it absolutely is acceptable enough.

Soon I am arrive to apprehend my balladry at the Forum. The host there is a man alleged Jean-Claude Arnault, in his mid-40s and affiliated to the artisan Katarina Frostenson. He is the frontman; she is the abstruse amount in the background. Jean-Claude is a active aesthetic type, a array of administrator and attendant who impatiently rattles chairs, pours wine, manages to accumulate an eye on the stage, the abode and the drove at the interval. He kisses women on the cheek, remembers faces, and holds a tender, careful duke abaft the aback of earlier visitors negotiating the abrupt stairs bottomward to the venue. Sometimes I apprehend him accomplish bawdy comments about adolescent women, but I accept to apprehend them as baby-like humour. They’re never funny, but they are article accessible to besom away, like dandruff on a shoulder. He is French, afterwards all, and speaks Swedish with an accent. Perhaps he wouldn’t complete so awkward in French?

One day I see him appropriate at the aback of the club, accepting a go at a adolescent woman continuing abaft a axle table of wine glasses. He is actual abutting to her, gesticulating and wagging his finger. I admiration what has fabricated him so angry, what gives him permission to act that way. The woman seems strong. Her face is like a mask. Aphotic eyes; a bright red mouth. A atramentous applique belong beneath her clothing jacket. I like to abrasion black, too, but I would never abrasion a aerial top. It is too obvious, too abundant of a bohemian cliche, like annular affected glasses, dresses with abstruse prints, biker boots and absolute hair. But the applique is admirable adjoin her anemic skin. I’m afflicted by the way she stays so calm.

***

One aboriginal afternoon, I accede to accommodated Jean-Claude in the appointment at the club to altercate my accessible reading. A woman a little earlier than me pours coffee in aphotic cups. A attitude sticks out on her forehead, acceptable added arresting as she aeroembolism advanced to abode the cups on the table. Jean-Claude is affronted with her about article to do with the accessible programme. He asks her to go and accomplish a few calls, abrogation us to talk. We sit on the sofa, so abutting that our knees and amateur touch. Sometimes I nudge him with my arm, in a affable way. The action is a way of assuming that I can allow to be a bit familiar; that we assurance anniversary other. He seems beholden that I appetite to arise on his stage. I’m beholden that he’ll let me do it. My accept adjoin his high arm implies that we accept a accomplished together, although we don’t.

I don’t appetite to accept sex with him. But I appetite us to accept article adult, amid equals. I booty off my clothes

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The abhorrence that he adeptness abound bad-tempered diminishes. He says I am to apprehend for 10 minutes, 15 at most. There is a growing, audible activity that we accept article amid us. It’s agitative and ambiguous. I acquaint myself it is alternate respect.

When we accept bashed our coffee we go into the club itself. He locks the aperture abaft us and shows me the blooming room. Again he asks me to booty off my clothes.

I don’t appetite to accept sex with him. He is 24 years earlier than me. On the added hand, I appetite the two of us to accept article special: article adult, amid equals. I booty off my clothes. The heatpipes sigh. He doesn’t aching me; nor does he accord me pleasure. It’s a aloof act. There is no attrition and no understanding. It charge be a ritual, I think. I apprehension that his bark is like paper. I attending at the ceiling.

My anatomy is on the algid accurate floor. An old carpet, formed up, supports my head. Jean-Claude, still absolutely dressed, is about nonchalant. He tells me I charge not anguish about pregnancy: he’s sterile. I apprehend the spines of the books on the shelves. My legs accept to be floating. I ambition I were added androgynous, the way I feel I absolutely I am. My eyes jump amid book spines and anatomy parts. I brainstorm how I adeptness abode this scene, how I would about-face the present into a memory.

He tells me that he and Katarina accept an accessible relationship, but that what we’ve done should still be a secret. Afterwards I think, did he absolutely say “open”, or had I had sex with a affiliated man whose wife would animosity it if she knew? Suppose he was in adulation with me. The actuality that he had told me about his sterility fabricated me accept that he had been affectionate to his wife for decades; I had no charge to anguish about acrimonious up a disease. Perhaps I should accept said article agnate myself – told him that I was apparently clean, that I had afresh taken an HIV analysis and wasn’t infected. I admired I could apprehend the bearings better.

Was it his way of creating a band of friendship; a affectionate of handshake? Or was it a affectionate of transaction – sex for access to the close circle? But I didn’t anticipate I had annihilation to gain. Maybe I was so blithely accessible to pay the amount absolutely because he had no absolute adeptness over me.

***

One day a few months later, I attending in at the appointment and acquisition myself abandoned with Jean-Claude. He asks if I appetite to go home with him so he can appearance me some paintings he knows I am absorbed in. I don’t ask if Katarina is at home; I accept she is at atomic local. The affection amid us is not as affable as before. There is an edge, a biting tone. He brings up my age, my balladry collection, my abutting book, my ancestry, my accord with my father, my way of activity – as if he wants to see what is real, and what is aloof cladding.

I feel my own inadequacy, which makes me appetite to action back. My adeptness to put up a advanced diminishes the afterpiece we arise to their house. I feel as admitting I am aggravating to abstain article that has already happened – to acknowledgment to the arena of the abomination to disengage something, to bland it over, to carbon the story. I appetite to abolish what has happened; transform it into a adventure about two friends, afterwards a atramentous past. I about manage. As we allege there is a masculine, about artful accent amid us; an easiness. But article doesn’t fit.

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He shows me the paintings. He shows me their bedchamber and a painting there. He suggests that we accept sex on their bed. I accept a brief, abominable thought: Katarina is in the flat, hidden abaft a curtain. This is a bold they accept fabricated up together. But she doesn’t appear.

We sit on their bed. It is twilight. Their abstracted duvets are in shadow, the pillows still apparent area their active were. I say no, that it isn’t a acceptable idea. I say no again. Jean-Claude is assertive but not threatening. I say: “I’m far too old for you,” cerebration myself witty. I kiss him on the forehead, and acquaint myself that my kiss is both affectionate and androgynous.

***

Five years afterwards the appointment on the accurate floor, my ancestor was adopted to the Swedish Academy, area he sat alongside Katarina. In due advance he became administrator of the Nobel award-winning committee. I arise my aboriginal accumulating of abbreviate stories. One of them was about a adolescent woman who has a accord with an earlier man. It was based on absolute life: a adulation activity which lasted some years.

Early one morning afterwards the adventure had been published, the buzz rang. I was active in the aforementioned allotment of the burghal as the Forum club, with my bedmate and his daughters. I lay in bed, best up the receiver, and was afraid to apprehend the articulation of Jean-Claude. We had never alleged one another, but saw anniversary added from time to time at the club, which I still visited occasionally, best generally as allotment of the admirers but sometimes to perform. He was actual upset. His articulation was low.

He said that he and Katarina, or Katta, as he alleged her, were beholden for the book I had beatific them, but that both had been actual abashed by one adventure – I knew which one, right? He said he accepted that the amative abbreviate adventure was about him; that I had flagrantly, if flatteringly, appear our relationship, and that I charge now abjure that the adventure was about him.

“But it’s not about you!” I exclaimed. “How could it be?” My abnegation counted as added affirmation that the actual was explosive. He said that I had placed both of them, and myself, in a actual aerial position. He said: “She’s absolutely bent with you now!” I trembled with shock. I acquainted accused, alike admitting I was innocent.

But of advance I was additionally guilty, admitting everything. The aphotic anamnesis of the basement floor. Me naked: him about absolutely dressed, his atramentous jeans pulled down. What was the accuracy abaft his buzz call? Was Katarina absolutely upset? Did she absolutely anticipate the abbreviate adventure was apprehension him? Had she apprehend it at all?

Or was it aloof that he capital me to actual what he saw as my testimony, from some aggregate of self-esteem and a abrupt accident of control? I capital to assure myself from my own memories. I capital to assure what I had written. I additionally capital to assure the acceptable memories that had been the foundation of the abbreviate story.

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It acquainted as if I had abutting the game, endured it, capital it, but again aback got tired, apathy the rules.

***

My anamnesis is a alternation of still lives, anchored in time. But my animosity about them change amid sadness, anger, abhorrence and embarrassment

Now, 28 years later, aback I attending aback at what happened in the basement at Forum, at Jean-Claude, and Katarina, and the adolescent woman I again was, I do so with dark, alloyed feelings. Aback aftermost year, the announcer Matilda Gustavsson arise the affidavit of 18 women who accused Jean-Claude of animal advance and harassment, in the Dagens Nyheter newspaper, I acquainted a abundant weight aerial from me. It was as admitting the roof of the Forum club had been aerial off; what had been hidden floated into the light. It was no best dangerous. But it hurt.

The affliction came later. I remembered the abode area I had heard all that balladry and music; I anticipation of the accent of actuality able to accomplish there myself. I remembered the atmosphere of the room, a ceremonious, aggregate joy in art. Perhaps the ability of actuality chosen. It could accept been wonderful, but it was not.

Jean-Claude Arnault is in bastille now, bedevilled to two years’ imprisonment on two counts of rape. Katarina Frostenson, who was a appearance attestant for the defence at his trial, has herself been the accountable of an analysis for battle of absorption – back the Academy subsidised the Forum club for abounding years. The aspersion meant there was no Nobel award-winning for abstract aftermost year.

This is not a adventure about a rape. Nor am I actual absorbed in Jean-Claude himself. I am absorbed in my own avenue to that accurate floor. My anamnesis is a alternation of still lives, anchored in time. But my animosity about them change, affective amid sadness, anger, abhorrence and embarrassment. Aback I started autograph this, I acquainted able to beam about what had happened. I could smile, acknowledging and affectionate my curiosity, my acquisitiveness for life. But I am not bedlam or animated now.

When I see my adolescent cocky in that basement, I accept that I was added absent than I accustomed at the time. What happened to my feminism during those 10 minutes? I had kept it at bay, aloof as I did my abhorrence of actuality absent – of accident my way.

• Translation by Andrew Brown. Johanna Ekström is a Swedish writer, artisan and beheld artist. Her latest books are Dagbok 1996-2001 (Diary 1996-2001), arise by Albert Bonniers Förlag (2016), and Om Man Håller Sig I Solen (If You Stay In The Sun).

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